mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
