True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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