Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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