I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i need some magic done to my vagina
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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