I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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