Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
