Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
