you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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