he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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