I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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