I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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