Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
