I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
