how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I want is dick and wine.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
