Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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