I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
