Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
