put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
