Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
