I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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