I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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