yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
