You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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