I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
