She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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