She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize