I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
