allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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