Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
