Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize