How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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