She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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