You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
