my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
