this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
