In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
