that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
