Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
