the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
