i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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