Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
