Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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