Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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