Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
