Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
