I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
