Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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