im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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