Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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