As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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