I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm like, not good at living.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
