VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
