you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
