I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
