I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize