my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
