tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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