New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
