how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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