she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
