Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She bit a glass in half.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
