There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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