My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
